What is Domestic Violence and Abuse?

Domestic violence (Domestic Abuse) is an abuse of power, where one person in a relationship uses a variety of tactics to gain and maintain power and control over the other person.
An abuser will use a variety of tactics, including physical, sexual, emotional and financial abuse to maintain control.

Domestic violence is not a single incident, but is a pattern of behaviour which is used to gain and maintain control over the other person, often over a long period of time. Many abusers tactics are subtle and the impacts are sometimes hard to recognise.

Domestic violence takes many forms, including physical violence and coercion, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation and threats of violence.

For most women, sexual abuse and coercive sex are part of the pattern of abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse is often sexualised or focuses on the woman’s ability to be a good mother, wife or sexual partner.

Abuse can happen at the beginning of a relationship or it may start later on, but it usually builds over a period of time as the abuser gains more control and the victim’s autonomy and self esteem is eroded.

The Four Stages of the Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse includes four stages—tension building, abuse, reconciliation, and calm—that allow abusers to control their victims through fear and manipulation. This pattern can trap victims and lead to trauma bonding, where they form an attachment to the abuser for survival. Recognizing this cycle is key to understanding abusive relationships.

Abuse isn’t always obvious; subtle signs like isolation and financial control are common. Breaking the cycle requires identifying these patterns, seeking support, and creating a plan to leave safely. Awareness is the first step toward recovery and independence.

During the tension-building phase, stress and tension start to rise in the relationship. The abuser may show signs of frustration and often blame this on external pressures like financial problems, work challenges, or health issues.

Common behaviors during this phase include:4

  • Silent treatment: The abuser ignores or refuses to talk to you, leaving you feeling abandoned or shut out.
  • Emotional outbursts: The abuser shows anger or frustration in unexpected ways, often reacting strongly to minor issues.
  • Irritability: The abuser gets frustrated or upset over small, insignificant things.
  • Blaming: The abuser accuses you of causing problems or stress in the relationship.
  • Jealousy: The abuser questions or criticizes your interactions with others.

As tension increases, the abuser may become more controlling, while you grow more anxious, trying to avoid setting off the abuser. This growing anxiety and fear set the stage for the abusive incident that often follows.

Built-up tension is released. The abuser engages in harmful behaviors to regain a sense of power and control. They may act out violently or emotionally, triggered by external stressors—not your actions. The abuse is usually unpredictable and explosive, and it may be difficult for you to avoid.

Abusive behaviors during this stage might include:

  • Hurling insults: The abuser calls you names or verbally attacks you, causing emotional harm.
  • Breaking possessions: The abuser destroys or damages objects to intimidate or control you.
  • Threatening harm: The abuser threatens to hurt you, your loved ones, or pets to instill fear.
  • Controlling behaviors: The abuser attempts to control what you wear, how you act, or your daily activities.
  • Physical or sexual violence: The abuser may engage in physical or sexual acts of violence, escalating the harm.
  • Emotional manipulation: The abuser targets your insecurities or denies their wrongdoing to confuse and control you.

During this phase, you may feel frightened, trapped, helpless, or numb. You may try to protect yourself, hit back defensively, or run away and seek help. Unfortunately, in most abusive relationships, the abuse becomes more frequent and severe over time.

By this stage, tension begins to ease, and the abuser may attempt to restore the relationship. This period is often referred to as the “honeymoon phase” because the abuser behaves with excessive kindness and affection, resembling the initial stages of a relationship. They may offer gifts, apologies, and promises of change to make things right, aiming to win back your trust.

During this stage, you may feel a surge of emotional connection due to the abuser’s affectionate behaviour. The release of the “feel-good” hormone oxytocin in the brain can create a sense of closeness, tricking you into thinking things are returning to normal. However, this phase is often short-lived, and the cycle of abuse starts again.

Behaviours during this phase might include:

  • Gifts and affection: The abuser may give flowers, jewellery, or other gifts as a way to apologize and regain favour.
  • Promises of change: The abuser may say things like, “I’ll never do it again,” or “I’ll go to counselling,” in an effort to convince you that they will change.
  • Minimising the abuse: The abuser may express regret but often downplays the seriousness of their actions or blames you for causing the incident.
  • Trauma bonding: You may form an unhealthy emotional attachment to the abuser due to the cycle of abuse followed by moments of kindness and love.

This period of reconciliation can lead to trauma bonding, where you feel emotionally tied to the abuser despite the harm caused. This bond keeps you psychologically attached, making it more difficult to leave the relationship.

Tension fully dissipates into a temporary sense of peace. During this stage, the abuser may show remorse, promising that the abuse won’t happen again and being more loving or attentive to their partner’s needs.

This can lead you to feel reassured and hopeful that things are improving. You may begin to believe that the abusive behaviour is truly in the past, further easing the tension and reinforcing the cycle of abuse.

Common behaviours during this phase include:

  • Justifying the abuse: The abuser may claim external factors (e.g., stress, work problems) caused their actions.
  • Minimising the incident: The abuser downplays the seriousness of the abuse or denies it ever occurred.
  • Promising change: The abuser assures you that they will change, often promising that the abuse won’t happen again.
  • Increased affection: The abuser becomes more loving, attentive, and understanding, trying to make up for their past behaviour.

While the calm phase offers a temporary sense of peace, it is often short-lived, and the cycle of tension, abuse, reconciliation, and calm begins again, typically becoming more intense over time.

Abuse May Not Follow a Pattern

The cycle of abuse is a well-known theory that has helped many people realise they are in abusive relationships and take steps to break free. It explains how abuse can repeat in a predictable pattern, making it easier for individuals to identify the signs and seek help.

However, it’s important to remember that this is just a theory, not a hard and fast rule. Abuse doesn’t always follow a clear cycle and can appear in different forms, with some cases showing no pattern at all.

Abuse may be sudden, unpredictable, or vary greatly from one relationship to another. It’s crucial to understand that all forms of abuse are harmful, regardless of whether they fit the cycle or not, and every situation needs to be addressed on its own.