There are many reasons why people do not always disclose that they are being abused; if you are worried about someone, don’t be afraid to ask if they are being abused. 

Try to be compassionate but direct and tell them you are worried and concerned about their safety. Everyone will react differently, and some people may feel defensive and that the abuse is their fault, so give them time to open up, listen without criticising, and let them know that you believe them. It takes strength to trust someone enough to confide in them about being in an abusive relationship. 

 Remember to look after yourself while you are supporting someone through a difficult time. Ensure that you do not put yourself into a dangerous situation; for example, do not offer to talk to the abuser or let yourself be seen by the abuser as a threat to their relationship.  This can have serious consequences for you and your friend. 

Many people will be reluctant to seek support, or they may confide in family members or friends in the first instance. Here are some things you can do if you are concerned or if someone close to you confides in you: 

If you are worried about someone: 

• Check in with them regularly, a simple text message or phone call, if it is safe to do so. 

• Try to find a safe time and place to talk honestly. 

If someone close to you confides in you: 

• Avoid giving your opinion or making judgemental statements. 

• Let them know that you are worried about them. 

• Discuss the behaviour that concerns you. Avoid talking about the abusive person or calling them names. 

• Ask if they feel safe or if they would like some help. You may be able to set up a signal or code word to raise the alarm. 

• Support them as a friend. Encourage them to express their feelings and listen without judging them. Tell them that they are not alone and that there are many people in similar situations. 

• Acknowledge that it takes strength to talk about experiencing abuse. Give them time to talk, but don’t push them to go into too much detail if they don’t want to. 

• Take them seriously. Acknowledge that they are in a frightening and very difficult situation. 

• Tell them that abuse is never their fault. No one should be threatened or beaten, despite what their abuser has said.  The abuser is solely responsible for their actions. 

• Don’t tell them to leave the relationship if they are not ready to do this. Allow them to make their own decisions. 

• Ask if they have been physically assaulted or hurt. If so, offer to go with them to a hospital or to see their GP. Suggest that it might be useful in future to have records of any injuries, as abuse can escalate over time. 

• Help them to report the assault to the police, if they choose to do so. 

• Go with them to visit a solicitor, if they are ready to take this step. 

• Agree a code word with them to use if they are in danger and need your help. 

• Offer your friend the use of your address and/or telephone number to leave information and messages, and tell them you will look after an emergency bag, if they want this. 

• Offer them a small amount of money to put away in case they need a taxi or bus in an emergency to leave the house and go to family or refuge. 

There are some things that you should avoid doing if someone confides in you: Don’t

• Pressurise them to talk if they do not want to.

• Overreact, panic, or look shocked.

• Confront the abuser yourself

• Promise more than you can give.

• Call the abusive person names or talk negatively about them. Focus on the behaviour that is of concern.

• Imply or suggest that the abuse could be their fault.

• Tell them what to do.

• Advise them to leave the relationship. This can put them at increased risk.

• Take decisions out of their hands.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be very difficult. We are here to support you, whatever you decide to do. Reach out and call us. It is important to think of your safety at all times. Perhaps you should consider making a safety plan.